Every morning I wake up searching for you, only to remember you aren’t here with me.

I focus and I pray and I write. 

I train my heart and mind daily to overcome the pain I feel, in order to push myself out of bed and move forward into a new day. I’m a mother to incredible children, but still I ache for my baby in heaven. How have 5 years past already? It feels like it was mere moments ago, and yet 5 full years have come and gone. I’m now an artist; and pursue my passions head on. I’m strong. I’m stronger than I ever believed I could be, or ever imagined I’d have to be. Some of us choose to train for marathons, running mile after mile, racing towards a goal, or a medal; challenging themselves differently each day.

I choose to train towards getting through tomorrow.

I want to find balance between dealing with my grief over loosing you and being the best mom I can be. I can no longer have more children of my own; and it breaks my heart. I’d love to adopt a child or become a foster parent; those things are in God’s hands. My arms are still empty. Only a mother who’s lost a child understands what this means. I’m a new wife to a man who loves me fully and completely, without asking me to conform to him. He loves my children as his own, and there are no words that I can say to express the depths of my love for him.

I have best friends who are true friends, and no longer do I waste my time on empty relationships. I strive to nurture the relationships that matter. I love that the new me allows God to always come first without fear for what my spouse might think or say. I take risks, I care more, and I let the dishes pile up in the sink without worrying about being yelled at by my spouse, so that I can spend precious moments with my children.

I love the new person that I am, but only wish that I could share it with you sweet boy. Right now I am missing you; I always have a tough time in October. You were supposed to be my “pumpkin baby”. I think the autumn months will always be bittersweet for me. I’m different now; I’m forever changed. I no longer sit and tolerate being treated without respect. I am loved.

My relationship with Christ is more intimate than ever.  

I want to become a better artist. I want to continue to touch the lives of others, whether it is through sharing your story, through other writings, or through photography. I want to make a footprint on the world, truly being His hands and feet because I CAN and SHOULD. I have gifts to share, a “light” that shines, and I strive to continue to share them, openly. I love that the new me was willing to take the risk and leap of faith to make huge changes to create a life of happiness, love, and truth.

I’m proud of who I’ve become.