I remember a time when life seemed to be “normal”, but normal is gone. I’ve realized now that “normal” never existed. I danced through daily life as if it were a novel, daily tasks always to be done, steadfast truths that seemed to be nothing but fact and the surety that life had and was all it could be. Gone are the days of simple life’s schedules of play dates, cooking, laundry, storytime and all things that outwardly seem fun, but were inwardly not hitting the mark.

Before I held your tiny body I knew things would change. I cautiously picked you up knowing that in that moment everything I thought knew to be true would revealed and all that I had chosen to tolerate would become absolutely horrific. And as I cradled your head, God washed His clarity over my heart and mind forever. And in that moment of meeting your eyes and caressing your head, all falsehood fell away at my feet. No longer could I sit and tolerate all the evil that accosted me daily. From empty bullshit acquaintances and friendships, to family who’s only purpose was to infect my heart with toxicity, to a husband who held money over my head as ransom to his love; 

All became as clear as a light in a dark room, flooding my heart with an agony of truth.

Before I knew you, I never thought I’d watch my child die. I wasn’t one who could relate to that kind of pain; but now I can. No longer can I tolerate lying, or fake pleasantries. No longer can I handle selfishness; because all of it is bullshit. How much of my days before you had I spent desperately trying to please others who are beyond pleasing? How many hours did I spend in tears, aching for friendships? How often did I praise groups of so-called “Christian” women who had an outward appearance of good, but were really nothing more than a farce for Christian politics? I could go on for days and days, but I can easily sum it up to one word.

CLARITY.

Before you, I believed wholeheartedly that I should obey my husband in all ways, and in all things. I spent more energy on trying to feed and please a loveless, selfish husband then an entire lifetime could ever dream of. I made excuses, and attempted to forgive, because that’s what people do right? And who would dream that those around you, those who should love you, those who married you, could be so hateful and really, truly mean the words that poured from their mouths?

But then you arrived far too soon. And the veil was lifted and I became whole, and my life became clear. And I shed tears out of shame. Shame for what I allowed myself to endure, shame for always taking the blame, even when it wasn’t my fault. Shame for not being able to be your mother, to not be able to share every milestone with you, shame for not protecting you. As I felt your final heartbeats against my hands, I ached to be with you in Heaven. I ached to not have to face the pains of this world.

Nothing made sense, but all made sense at the same time.

I was outside of my body, looking down on this scene of holding my dead son, realizing the gravity of what happened, and that nothing would EVER be the same in my life.

You changed me. And despite it feeling like my heart has been torn from my body, I praise His name because in your death, I was given Life. Your life, your impact, your purity has been my purpose since the moment I held you. And in my grief, I know that the gift you’ve given me is beyond rare; most will never see it in their lifetime.

In my weakness, I find times when I miss the old me. I plead with God that if only for a moment I could place the wool back over my eyes once more… if but for a moment to ease the pain of all that I’ve endured… But that woman is gone. Gone. In one day, I was changed forever. There is no going back. The woman I once was is so faint I can barely see her anymore. She is dandelion blown away in the wind. She is the empty cocoon of a butterfly, cast off; it’s purpose fulfilled.

She is the woman I was before you changed my heart and soul.